the newest song my story-teller character Emma has learned...
Well, high upon a lonely moor
A widow lived alone
An inn she kept
And as she slept
The pillow heard her moan,
"Oh, many is the traveler
Who's spent the night with me
There's not a man in all creation
Gives content to me

Oh, some can manage once or twice
And some make three or four
It seems to me a rarity is
The man who can do more
I'll do anything to find him
In Heaven or in Hell"
And as these words were spoken
Then she heard the front door bell

And the wind blew cold and lonely
Across that widow's moor
And she never, ever turned away
A traveler from the door

So boldly then the widow ran
And the door she opened wide
And as she did a tall and handsome
Stranger stepped inside
She gave him bread and brandy
And when that he was fed
He said, "Me dear, now have no fear
It's time to come to bed

For I've heard your call way down below
And I've come to see you right
But you must come to Hell with me
If I can last the night"
She said, "You randy devil
To this bargain I'll agree
For Hell on earth or Hell in Hell
It's all the same to me"

And the wind blew cold and lonely
Across that widow's moor
And she never, ever turned away
A traveler from the door

So then they both fell into bed
The devil was working well
He thought before the night was through
She'd be in his Hell
But when they came to number nine
The widow cried out "More!"
And when the twelfth time came around
Again she cried for more

At twenty-five the devil
Felt compelled to take a rest
The widow she said "Come raise your head
And put me to the test"
At sixty-nine the widow laughed
"Again, again!" she cried
The devil he said, "Well, I can see
Just how your husband died"

And the wind blew cold and lonely
Across that widow's moor
And she never, ever turned away
A traveler from the door

At ninety-nine the devil
He began to cry and weep
He said, "I'll give you anything
If you let me go to sleep"
Before the morning light was up
The devil hobbled home
The widow still not satisfied
Once more was left alone

There she lay and grumbled
As she thought of ninety-nine
"If only that old devil could have made it
One more time
I'll call him up again tonight
To see what can be done
With a bit more application
He could have made the ton!"

But when she called him that night
No devil did appear
For the first time in eternity
The devil he shook with fear
He said, "Of all the torment I've witnessed here in Hell
I never knew what pain was till I rang
Your front door bell!"

And the wind blew cold and lonely
Across that widow's moor
And she never, ever turned away
A traveler from her door
-- "The Widow," Karen Tweed


It was a pretty good day, all things told. Did some more research for Julia's IEP and dreamed about camp. Finished up as the dressmaker's apprentice at my grandmother's house.

Tomorrow - weeding, scrubbing siding and walls, removing cobwebs, and chastising my sister. And chest X-rays in the morning.

Life is mostly good and I am happy.

My test results came back from the doctor's - I have acquired CMV, cardiomegaly ("big heart," from the Latin), and a high white cell count. I am still feeling relatively good, although I still have some pain in my legs when moving from sitting to standing or vice versa. More tests and interventions are in my future.

Last night Ducky came over and we started working on our "Firefly" sock puppets. She spent a lot of her time on the Zoe-puppet, which was giving her trouble, especially with the hair. I made dreadlocks for Shepherd Book and then sewed them into place, although sewing on a sock while the sock is on your hand is not a maneuver that should normally be used. I only stabbed myself once, though.

We got eyes on all the puppets, hair on Zoe, Book, Simon, Wash, and River, and clothes on Zoe, Book, and Simon. The "clothes" were the hardest to figure out... Ducky eventually cut strips from the patterned felt I'd picked out and safety-pinned them in place. This is so we can get the puppets on and off with relative ease without destroying their "clothes."

Ducky wasn't too pleased with it, but I think the Zoe-puppet looks great! She even has a necklace.

At Hobby Lobby tonight I bought felt for a Jayne hat, which I'm going to sew together and then pin onto the Jayne puppet, beads for a necklace for Inara, and some other felt for River's dress and Kaylee's shirt. I also got a pair of bright blue socks for the Blue Hand guys (Ducky has GREAT ideas).

... And we shall be known as the Reduced Firefly Company, and we shall be YouTube sensations.


I've also been doing a lot of work preparing for Julia's IEP meeting and camp sessions. I only have a few chances to get it right, so I want to be super-ready when it's my time to work with her. So far I seem to be proving the 1-for-5 exclusion rule: of every five books you check out of the university library, one of them will be useful. I have about thirty books, and I've gone through exactly five, so you can tell how much more work I've got to do. I don't mind it, though - I feel useful!


I'm excited for game tomorrow, just like I've been excited for game this entire summer. I definitely need to "bottle" this feeling and remember it when it's February and twelve degrees out and I'd rather extract my own teeth than go to game. I like those people and I finally like what Emma's doing. Maybe one of these weeks she'll even get some background. It'll be two years in October, and still no background yet! (Is that some sort of record? Gabe tells me probably not.) I think it's just hilarious that I disliked playing Emma for so long because all of her choices were boring... but now she's made some really bad decisions and things got more interesting and a whole lot more fun. "Life is about choices." :)


Tuesday I was up in Lansing for a meeting with my academic advisor. I actually really like her, even though this was just our first meeting. She gave me some great advice, asked me all of the right questions, and basically let me ramble.

I decided I don't really want to be a nurse, and that the idea that I *did* want to be a nurse was driven by my desire to find a "real" career. I'm going to finish my English degree and then get my interpreter's certification. It is the only thing I keep coming back to, the only thing that makes sense to me.

I might transfer out to Gallaudet, but not this coming semester and probably not the coming winter/spring semester. Right now I just can't fathom leaving a place I've grown to enjoy and people I've grown to like and my family and my support systems to go to D.C., where I know no one, and where all of my classes and interactions would be in ASL. For one, I'm not ready to speak ASL full time. I don't have the speed, the skill, or the vocabulary. Hopefully the fall term ASL class will help get me back on the right track.

I have been dreaming about going to Gallaudet since I was much younger, and my life so far has taught me that if I'm willing to work for it, almost anything is possible.


I love and miss you all, especially if your name is Kate-sham!

Today was the day I have been waiting for. TODAY was the day.

Around 7:00 tonight I turned my phone on for the first time since yesterday. I had three voice-mail messages. The first was from Anna Hamman, who I swear I will stop playing phone tag with at some point. The third was a hang-up. And the second was from George.

Well, I was just as surprised as you are right now. The message said that he wanted me to call him back as soon as possible, because he needed me to do something for him.

So I ate dinner as fast as I could and then called him back. And George said the most beautiful set of words I have ever heard him say:

"Rick no longer works for us."

And then he said some more beautiful words. He came as close to an apology as I'm ever going to get from him. He asked me to come and work for them for two weeks, art and music camp, as Julia's one-on-one. He said that they had obviously made a mistake in not hiring me, and that the entire camp was missing my laughter and my work ethic.

And he told me the reasons why Rick was fired, but it didn't even matter. I didn't even care. Just hearing him say that Rick was gone, that the camp was worse off without me, and that he wants me to come work there... that was all I really wanted.

I AM COMPLETELY VINDICATED!

I got off the phone and there were already tears coming to my eyes. All I could say was, "Oh, my God... oh, my God..."

I turned to my mom, almost crying, and I said, "I never stopped praying. I never stopped praying, because I knew something like this would happen."

I have my home back.
I have my family back.
I have a chance to change Julia's life.
I have a chance to redeem myself.
I have proven that I really WAS a good worker, a strong worker, and someone camp truly needed.
I have shown that no matter what, I was right.

Today was a beautiful, beautiful day.

I went for a walk today with my mom, and we talked and talked and talked, mostly about school. We didn't come to any hard or fast decisions, besides the fact that I need to look into career counseling and alternate programs. For instance, what would it take to transfer to Gallaudet or St. Kate's? There are just a lot of unanswered questions.

Saturday I talked to Dorothea for almost 45 minutes. She asked me to come to Julia's IEP meeting to speak as an advocate. They are still fighting with the school district to provide the necessary services for teaching Julia, and to provide Julia with a "transition plan", because someday soon she will be too old to continue being schooled and will need other options. I told her to let me know when and where and I would do my best to get there.

Dorothea also told me that Julia has been accepted to go to music camp at Camp T, but no provisions have been made to provide her with an aide for the week. Without an aide to dress her, push her wheelchair, take her to the bathroom, cut up her food, etc., she cannot attend camp. Dorothea said she had called and left messages for Rick but had received no response so far.

I told Dorothea that I would go to camp with Julia, and that I would do it for free. I feel terrible that my leaving Camp T has totally screwed over Julia's family. She is in need of social interaction and the skills presented at camp, and plus it is a great respite time for her family.

I just don't understand how it's possible for a camp for the disabled, whose mission includes helping blind people to achieve their greatest potential, can just turn their backs on a blind person who needs a lot of help to reach her greatest potential. What is the point of having a camp for the disabled if you don't accept the disabled? I realize that Julia presents her own special issues, but I think that she is easier to deal with than some of the multiple-needs kids... and plus, if Camp T rejected all multiple-needs kids, there would be no camp. They have no right to screw over Julia's family, and it certainly shouldn't be done because I refused to settle.

So Dorothea is going to bring up the issue to Rick, and hopefully I will be going to camp, at least for a little more than a week, in August. Possibly for pay (the school district pays for Julia to attend camp, and they pay for her to have an aide), possibly for free (because I would definitely do it for free). And I also want to state that although this will probably get back to someone somehow (because it always does), it would also really please me to mess with Rick. Kind of a funny haha-you-thought-you-got-rid-of-me but-now-I'm-doing-good-for-free kind of thing.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about camp. Not in a I'm-so-bitter sort of way, because I'm not. I realized that some people are just assholes, and some people are going to take and take from you. We had a great team at Camp T for the almost three years I worked there; we operated like a family, we fought and ate and swam and burned things and laughed... and that was taken from me.

But that team is no longer there. Matt and JJ respectively have new jobs. Callie is in Africa building things. Jackie and Tim both left, got married, and are living a fabulous new life. The people who made those almost-three-years great are no longer there, and the experience wouldn't be the same. And if that is the point of all this - for me to realize that I really shouldn't take for granted the wonderful things in my life - I'm super-okay with that.

I think it astounds me how much I have grown and continue to grow. In high school things were so mucked up that I'm not always sure how I graduated. My first two years of college-age living were almost always screwed up by something. For awhile I really thought I would drop out of school permanently and be in the psych ward for a long time. But here I am - I'm happy and I'm strong and I'm still brilliant and I love what I'm doing. I love the opportunities I've been given and the challenges I've been presented with. I don't know where I'm going, but I know I'm strong enough to handle whatever is next. I am truly a bigger person and I have the ability to grow and learn and love. I have proven all of my medical experts wrong - I survived the worst four years of my life, two hospitalizations, and somehow managed to beat what was considered an unbeatable mental illness. Somehow I beat the odds.

And throughout all of this, I've learned that it's important to be passionate about life, and to be loyal to others. I thought my loyalty lay with Camp T, but I was wrong. It lays with Julia and her family instead, and with other people who are willing to see the potential in me instead of my shortcomings.

I am going to fight for "my family." I am going to fight to replace the home that I lost. I am going to fight to make sure that other people see that I am a good and worthy person. I am going to fight to make sure Julia has a future, somewhere. She has given me too much to just let her go.

It pleases me to think that even though I may never again be a paid employee of Camp T, someday they will realize exactly how much I did for them and how much they are going to miss because I am not there. And I am going to enjoy watching them squirm. They took my home, my sanctuary, my family... and someday they'll realize just how much they're lacking.

I am a quote-unquote "nice" person, but I will say this - there are certain people I would love to see suffer.


With all my fears and sorrows close
I'm hanging on, just hanging on
I wish that you were here with me
To sail the sky, Serenity

And take me high or take me low
Through to the end where I may go
If I can stand, then I shall pass
Pass beyond this night of black
Pass beyond this night of black

How many words did you impart
While I chose to close my heart
And unto God you made this plea
Safe sail the sky, Serenity

And take me high or take me low
Through to the end where I may go
If I can stand, then I shall pass
Pass beyond this night of black
Pass beyond this night of black

If just once more we dance in light
Or trace our tears through one more fight
What could I say to set you free?
But sail the sky, Serenity

And take me high or take me low
Through to the end where I may go
If I can stand, then I shall pass
Pass beyond this night of black
Pass beyond this night of black

As stars burn bright and rise the dawn
So our paths must journey on
We lose not hope in family
Still sail the sky, Serenity

And take me high or take me low
Through to the end where I may go
If I can stand, then I shall pass
Pass beyond this night of black
Pass beyond this night of black
-- "Sail the Sky," Bedlam Bards

Oh, confusion. You are my friend. Why did I ever let you go?

Two nights ago I was bored, so I went and printed out the requirements for the MSU nursing program, and I was automatically horrified. I am going to be in school for at least 3 more years. (I think. I have to lay it all out on a bigger piece of paper so I can see all of the things I still need to complete. But still.)

Which begs the question, is this really what I want to do?

Well, hell no, it isn't - at least, not directly. What I really want to do is get out of college, and go on to have a fulfilling career and a productive life. But that ain't happening unless I can get a degree in something.

What do I really want to do?
- I want to keep on making Julia smile, and someday hear her speak.
- I want to dance.
- I want to learn to Double Dutch.
- I want to make friends I'll keep for a lifetime.
- I want to visit other countries.
- I want to adopt a little girl.
- I want to remain proficient in "Firefly."
- I want to make it to Comic-Con someday!
- I want to laugh.
- I want to be loved.
- I want to cure SMA and schizophrenia.
- I want to take away sadness in the people around me.
- I want to be happy.

... but these aren't things they're offering degrees in, at least not at MSU. And if anyone can find me a degree in Firefly-ology, I would weep with joy.

My mother suggested that perhaps the four-year college thing (well, it's actually more like five now) isn't for me. Perhaps I should work and go to school parttime. This would be great if I could get anyone to hire me with the skills I currently have.

I wonder if I should transfer out to Gallaudet for their interpreter program. Do I want to be an interpreter? Do I want to be a nurse? Or a para-pro, or a writer, or a journalist, or a shop owner, or a folk singer...? Or something else entirely?

Again, if anyone can find me a degree in Firefly-ology... this would be a good time to speak up.

I guess these are the problems...
- I don't know what I'd like to do with the rest of my life.
- I don't know what classes to take this coming semester in order to forward my getting-of-a-diploma-someday goal, because if I don't have to take cell biology and chemistry, I don't want to!
- I don't know what major to register for.
- I don't know if I'm in the right place.
- I don't know what my reasons would be for transferring.
- The logistics involved with transferring are abysmally complicated.
- The logistics involved with staying are complicated, not so much as transferring, but still pretty interesting.

I just feel like I'm treading water.

I want to do amazing things with my life, but college keeps getting in the way.


So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something's always coming
You can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards
And rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for?

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now it's just what I've become
What am I waiting for
It's already done
What are we waiting for?
-- "Believe," The Bravery

So here's the good news!
- It's not lupus!
- It's not mono!
- It's not rheumatoid arthritis!
- It's going away (slowly)!

And the bad...
- My abdominal X-rays showed a blockage in my colon, so I am on some stuff to blast through that.
- My abdominal X-rays also showed that my heart is enlarged, so I have to go back and have a chest X-ray and an abdominal ultrasound.
- My white blood cell count is elevated.
- It still could be CMV.

Thank you to everyone who sent me good thoughts and prayers. I am getting through this the way I get through everything else - head down, as fast as possible.

Not too much else to report. I am feeling strong enough that I only needed one nap today, and I was able to eat three meals - I was so hungry! The pain in my body has mostly subsided, and I was able to carry a bunch of garbage bags full of stuff for our church donation out to the car, and then from the car to the church. My neck is still bothering me but it's not terrible; I think I just need to stop lying on my side and reading.

Tomorrow my sister and I are getting our hair cut, and then we have to do the weekly grocery shop. I'm glad she's going with me; it will hopefully cut the time and my resulting fatigue in half.

Saturday's plans are still on (if I continue to improve), and Friday I think we're going to the movies to see "Get Smart."

Thank you again for all your thoughts! Kate-sham, my icon is for you!

I feel like I'm on an episode of "House." Except none of my medical personnel are quite as... interesting as House. They certainly try hard, though, so E's for Effort all around.

So here are the options...
- rheumatoid arthritis
- lupus (yes, I can hear you saying, "It's never lupus!")
- mono (which would suck, because I haven't even kissed anybody lately ever!)
- some sort of random viral infection that will clear itself up (not a lot of hope for that one)
- something else entirely

Wow. It's a stellar list of super-hopeful possibilities.

On the plus side, I did get to have a wonderful array of medical procedures today. Extra points for the sweet older-lady lab tech who took seven (7) vials of blood out of me because of her wonderful vampire impression. In addition, I laid on a table while a guy who should have been out playing football moved the X-ray camera up and down my body.

And I will be getting in to see a gastroenterologist about my stomach, because I have a referral now. Thank GOD! It's only been three years. My primary care physician was all, "Well, I can write you a referral, but they might have to scope you." Then she did a charade of using an endotracheal scope. And I was all, "Umm... okay...? As long as they figure out what's wrong?" Like I was going to say "NO! Anything but THAT!" They can stick scopes wherever they damn well want to, as long as they fix me! (And, well, knock me out first. That's all I want.)

As usual, I am resorting to humor to get through all this, but I have to admit I'm super-scared. Any spare good thoughts or prayers you could throw my way would be really appreciated. I, of course, started praying the moment I left the doctor's office to go to the hospital for my tests, and I have not stopped since.

For the past couple of days I have been in almost constant pain (and therefore annoyance). All of the joints in my legs hurt. Food is repulsing me. I have been unable to sleep or nap. And, best of the best, I have started pulling my hair out again while sleeping. I had been doing so well!

I guess if I was going to attempt to put a positive spin on things... I have gotten a lot of reading done. And I got to wuss out on therapy today.

So, the rest of this week will involve being bitchy and hot and cranky, taking a lot of Motrin, drinking immense quantities of water, and visiting with various medical personnel. And I might watch some movies; I took out "The Ultimate Gift" from the library, and "Little Miss Sunshine" is always good for a laugh or two.

Tonight I was so tired and crabby, and my body was so hungry that all of a sudden I was just sobbing during a rerun of "Deal or No Deal." I didn't want to put anything in my mouth, because I thought I would throw up, but my dad forced me to eat and have some milk and then I felt better.

Saturday we're supposed to go down to my grandparents' house to clean it out. I'm driving my grandfather's truck and I'm way excited - it is my favorite vehicle to drive (besides my own, of course). Moving myself out of the dorm by myself was actually small stuff compared to the joy of getting to drive the truck (seriously).

In preparation for this clean-it-out trip, I had to do some research on local Dumpster-renting firms. I started with the list in the yellow pages. Two were out of business, two gave me good information, and the last was just absolutely weird. It went something like this...
*ring ring ring*
*a line pickup*
Me: "Hello?"
(excited sounding guy) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEE YOU READY FOR A DUMPSTERRRRRR?!"
Me (stunned): "Uh... I guess so."
"WHAT CITY ARE YOU CALLING FROM?!"
Me: "Morenci."
"I DON'T DELIVER THERE!!!!! CALL SOMEBODY LOCAL!"
*hang up*

When I called my father to report on this development, he laughed right out loud and said, "Well, I guess we won't be renting from them."


My fun and wonderful memories of Saturday (short though it was) are carrying me through this stupid being sick and tired. I wish I could go back this weekend, but I'm not sure how I'm going to be feeling (and today I wussed out of driving 25 miles for therapy, so my mom would probably not let me go anyway... yes, I'm 20 years old). Definitely next weekend. I have to resolve those creepy car-jacking and explosion and baby issues. And, of course, the people are pretty decent. Also, Deanna, if you read this, please tell Laurel her haircut is absolutely darling. :)

Thanks so much for getting this far! I love and miss you all so very much. It's a good day for the excited Summer Glau icon... made me smile. And if you're Kate-sham and you called me, um... I didn't answer. Sorry. :)

My sister played in a three-day softball tournament this weekend; her team was 5-1-1. She pitched many of the games and received an MVP award for her skills in one of the games. Our team (Go Panthers grr!) won their division.

Friday night when she and my father got home, my mom and I were watching "Serenity" so she sat down to watch with us. I was absolutely rolling on the floor because of things my mom was saying and the questions my sister was asking. My mother kept comparing the film to "Star Wars" (which, if you know anything about "Firefly"... it's about twenty times cooler), but which was funny.
Mom: "This film is just like 'Star Wars'!"
Me (deadpan): "Yes, the bad guys are both black."
(My sister shoots me a look like, What?)
Mom (totally serious): "I think that was more of a costume choice in 'Star Wars.'"
Me (with a big gasp): "WHAT? Darth Vader isn't really a brotha?"
(My sister falls over laughing.)

Finally, near the end of the film, Mom says (in a very small voice): "Wash isn't really dead, is he?"

And then she says, "Oh, I know why you like this film so much."
Me: "Yeah? Why?"
Mom: "Well, it's funny. And that one girl... she's..."
(I'm laughing as my mother attempts to come up with an appropriate euphemism for "crazy like you.")
Me: "Yeah?"
Annie (totally serious): "You're psychic?"


Then tonight at the dinner table my dad was attempting to say something about Christopher Columbus, who he accidentally referred to as "Jesu Christo" (Jesus). I made some joke about Jesus' "World Promotion Tour" and my sister goes, "He went on tour?"

When we were doing the dishes we were listening to this song where the guy was singing "take me to your candy shop." It's an ongoing thing with me where I listen to the lyrics of the songs my sister listens to and tell her what's wrong with them. For instance, in one song, the rapper sings that he can't take a girl on a date, 'cause he has no money and can't buy her flowers, and I told my sister that I would never go out with that guy, not because I'm selfish and shallow, but because I want someone who could at least buy me something nice. And "Love in the Club" is a joke between us, because I have told her that anyone who makes love in a club is slutty.

So then this "candy shop" song came on, and I said, "Well, I would go out with this guy... he can drive, and he has a candy shop."
And she turns to me and says, very seriously, "He doesn't really have a candy shop."
I looked at her pretending to be confused and then went, "OHHH! It's a reference to sexual intercourse!"
She fell over laughing so fast she whacked her head on the counter. Sometimes she's just too cute for her own good.

I was in Lansing for a few all-too-brief hours yesterday, attending game. I would have stayed later but the weather was getting iffy and I didn't want to get stuck up there. It's so great when everyone there yells out "YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE HERE!!!" when I arrive. And things definitely got more interesting for Emma... and Sarah is almost regretting it. (Well, not really.) :)

I'm going back to Lansing as soon as I am financially solvent enough to buy gas. Which should be... maybe two weeks.


( so i went to chicago )

the ninjas are deadly and silent
they're also unspeakably violent
they speak japanese
they do whatever they please
and sometimes they vacation in ireland

the ninjas are deadly and silent
they're also unspeakably violent
they speak japanese
they do whatever they please
and if you tear off their masks
they'll be smilin'
-- "Ninjas," Barenaked Ladies

I snapped and yelled at my mom tonight.

But first, preface:
My sister is wrapping up her final days of sixth grade (last day, tomorrow), and she's been coming home half-days. She has also been a gigantic whiny-face. I have honestly never seen her so negative and snappy. She rolls her eyes at my requests and leaves her crap all over the house and scowls and talks back. (So this is what I've dealt with the whole week.)

My father is gone until tomorrow evening. (This is nothing new, but for some reason I really missed him.)

My mom has just about had enough. (This also is nothing new.)

Tonight my mom was talking about how she had to call the neighbor girl who was supposed to watch Annie this summer and tell her that she wouldn't be needed, since I'm here. For some reason I took offense at my mom telling the girl that I'm jobless. (Yes, I understand it's reality. Yes, I have applied for like thirty jobs. I can still have principles.) Mom had no clue why this was maybe something I didn't want blabbed around the neighborhood. And then she started talking about how wonderful it was that I'm home, that I'm so helpful and I do so much work around the house.

I said something about how I've thought a million times about calling Rick and telling him I want my job back. Mom said she couldn't understand this. I snapped back, "You know, this is NOT what I had planned on doing this summer! Don't you get that?!"

She went all quiet, and I got up and stomped off into the kitchen to do the dishes. Then five minutes later she came out and started telling me what we needed from the grocery store. Then she says, "It's okay for you to snap at me. But sometimes I just don't need it, what with you and your sister."

Politely holding back, I inform her that 98% of the crap she deals with is my sister.

In unrelated news, I'm going to Lansing for a visit on Saturday.

I'm so fucking tired of being here. Today I cleaned out the refrigerator. It's a good day for the "angry gun face" icon.

How many songs total: 3968
How many hours or days of music: 10.1 days
Most recently played: "Uptown Girl" - Billy Joel
Most played: "Rockstar" - Miley Cyrus (158 times)
Most recently added: "The Longest Time" - Billy Joel

Sort by song title
First Song: "A*Teens Megamix" - A*Teens
Last song: "8th World Wonder" - Kimberley Locke

Sort by time
Shortest song: "Untitled" - SheDaisy (0:04)
Longest song: "Blues" - Mackenzie Phillips (24:05)

Sort by album
First album: "Aaron's Party" - Aaron Carter
Last album: "70's Rock Hits (Digitally Remastered)" - Maxine Nightingale

First song to come up on shuffle: "Flying on the Edge" - Beth Patterson

Search the following and state how many songs come up
death: 9
life: 36
love: 126
hate: 7
you: 364
sex: 4

Dear Laurell K. Hamilton,

Congratulations! You've done it - you've written a book that was suspenseful without being overly trite, smart but not too-confident in itself, sexy but not slutty, and most of all, best of all - plot-filled!

My latest "conquest" (forgive me the sexual references, I just can't help myself) among your writings, A Kiss of Shadows, had all the makings of a bad book. The main character was supernaturally inclined and supernaturally beautiful. Her life was filled with 95% males, and the only females presented were small, basic characters who came across as silly and useless. I was all prepared for A Kiss of Shadows to decline into full-on floor-orgy Anita-Blake greatness, but it didn't happen! For once, the sex made sense! Sure, there were a few times I was confused, and you seem to have replaced the full-on floor-orgy sex stuff with blood sacrifices, which was confusing, but you managed admirably to bring that story to a close!

However, I have a few suggestions. Would it be possible for you to write a book where the main character is supernaturally inclined, supernaturally beautiful, and... oh, I don't know, celibate? Like, a nun? Or a sacred virgin? Also, could you please give female secondary characters a chance? Your main characters get so caught up with the men in the novel (pun intended, actually) that there are no great female secondary characters. Why are all of your main characters' best friends male? It's statistically unlikely, if you ask me. I would also request that you get real about the kind of people you pair your main character with. For instance, one of the "potential consorts" in A Kiss of Shadows was a goblin... and that would be okay, I've got nothing against goblins, but you described this one as being part snake. If your heroine Princess Meredith NicEssus was as supernaturally inclined and supernaturally beautiful and powerful as you infer, there is no way in any Heaven or Hell she would sleep with a deformed goblin. She would definitely go for someone better-looking or at least more powerful, alliance with the goblin nation be damned. Don't tell me she's all-powerful and yet has to sleep with riffraff. Uh-uh, girlfriend.

And finally, there are other hairstyles for men than "cloaks of hair." Personally, I only know one person with hair that could be described as a "cloak of hair," and I think she actually cut her hair recently. And she's a she. I understand that you think you need men to have long hair to display their power and sexual prowess, but guess what - bald people can be powerfully and sexually aware as well. Maybe even more so, because what's sexy about having sex with someone whose hair keeps getting in the way? Nothing, if you ask me (although I must admit that I am woefully personally un-versed). What's wrong with a buzz cut, or even a Beatles hairdo? Many people find/have found the Beatles very powerful and sexually alluring.

I know none of this matters to you, since you're uber-famous and whatnot. Someday maybe you'll be browsing through your local bookstore, and you'll come upon my novel on the super-discount books rack, and you'll buy it for $2.50 or ninety-nine cents, or whatever the going price for my tale is, and use it to line your birdcage or mulch your garden, and that'll be just fine. But before you do that, please note that my female characters have female best friends, and my male characters have differing hairdos. Also, there are no balls-to-the-wall full-on floor orgies. I know it'll be new territory for you, and difficult for you to accept, but just think of yourself as a pioneer on the Oregon Trail. Yeah. Line your birdcage with that.

Yours truly,
Me

Today's Headlines: Day Nine-Hundred and Two - Still Unemployed.

Okay, so it hasn't been 902 days, but sometimes it feels like it.

I'm going to Chicago this weekend with my mom for my cousin Britt's graduation, so today I had to go shopping for a shirt to wear with my skirt. I went to Kohl's and spent about an hour there. I bought a blouse and a camisole to go underneath, a "nice" T-shirt, and some socks. I'm still sleeping with socks on my hands, and some of my pairs are just a little grody. I hate clothes shopping, but this wasn't too bad.

Lately I've been running out of inspiration for my writings. Somehow I managed to slip my entry for lastficstanding in two minutes before the deadline (I had improperly formatted it). But I wasn't pleased with what I wrote; I did it because I wanted to stay in the competition. I know I can write something great, but it just isn't coming. I have three long-term fan fiction projects I'm working on right now, two in the "Firefly" fandom ("Radio Nowhere" & "How We Used to Be") and one in the "Bones" fandom ("Triangles"), and a super-long-term "Medium" fan fiction project ("In Front of Your Eyes"). Plus my still-unfinished novel. And my second set of joss100 fics. The words are there, but they just aren't coming.

Last night we ate out on the patio and when we were done my dad and my sister went over into the side yard so my sister could pitch. She did really well until my mom and I started clapping and cheering, and then she laughed and got tense and guttered every pitch. So we stopped cheering.

I told my mom how much I missed my friends, which is true. More and more lately I'm wishing I was still in Lansing. I miss living on my own, I miss going to school, I miss the freedom I had there. So many things were so much more accessible in Lansing - the university library, being able to walk to restaurants, the Union, Blockbuster, etc., the public bus system - and I just don't have that here. And I miss all of my game friends.

My mom suggested that maybe I should look up more of my friends here in town, but I don't know if she knows how strange that would be for me. I went to high school with these people, and we hung out then, but how am I to know if we still have anything in common? Most of my friends in high school shared a common interest with me, or at least one other friend. There are at least two I still talk to and see who are in town, but other than that, I'm out.

Then my mom said how weird it was that my game friends aren't "typical" college students. Well, no, because most of them aren't college students at all. But they still mean so much to me and I guess I didn't realize that while I was still in Lansing. It's not "fiscally responsible" of me to drive to Lansing any time soon (unless, God willing, I get a job or something) because of the gas prices, no matter how much I want to. I WILL go to Lansing some time in the near future, but right now I just can't. The forums are great, but they are definitely not the same as being face-to-face with Kaitlin, Kate, Kila, Deanna, Laurel, Danny, Gabe, Corinne, and everyone else. It seems like just when things started to get interesting (plot-wise, anyway), and when I was enjoying playing Emma, and starting to create background for her, and starting to make some extreme decisions, and finally getting over my autistic tendencies and really enjoying the people (I know, *gasp*, don't tell anyone) - school ended! And now that I'm not working at camp, the summer is stretching out in front of me endlessly.

I have the theme songs from "The Unit" on repeat on my iTunes right now. I love that beat in my ears, like a heartbeat. I hear the catch-and-repeat phrasing and I know exactly what they are singing about, even if I don't catch all the words. I'm yelling them in my head, at least my version: "here we go / here we go / on the road/ on the road / harder / harder". And the shorter version from the third season: "you give me a reason / to walk the fire".

I have to keep going. I have to keep moving. I have to stop worrying. I have to believe. I have to realize there is something else out there. I have to know that the experiences I have know are not the be-all and end-all of my life. I have to remember I'm going places and I'm unstoppable - nothing can touch me. I've made it this far and I refuse, I refuse to quit.

My sister's going on a field trip to Cedar Point tomorrow. Not for Physics Day, but for some choir/band/orchestra reward thing. They don't even have to do any work! (The outrage.)

But what this means is that they have to get up really early, and so for some reason it was decided that the three other girls in her group should sleep over tonight. I know one of them, Katie, who plays on her softball team, but I had never met the other two, and I wasn't immediately charmed. (Although, to be fair, I had no real reason to dislike the other two; I guess it's just my nature to immediately dislike people for no real reason.)

My sister is pretty much everything I wasn't - confident, outgoing, a social butterfly. She is "neurotypical" (as of yet), but by no means "normal." She's likely to razz me about things, and to do it in front of her friends. She is bossy and can be a real "pistol" (aka a brat) and super-mouthy.

Tonight I drove them to the movie rental store so they could pick out some films for the evening's entertainment. I have five radio stations preprogrammed in my car. One is the local Top 40, one is the local soft rock (which also plays Christmas songs November-January), one is the Lansing Top 40 (for when I'm in Lansing), one is the Jackson 80's-90's-today station (for when I'm in Chelsea or Jackson), and the last is a local 80's-90's-today station, which plays no rap. If there are commercials on the stations or some really vulgar rap, chances are I'm going to turn on my CD. My sister was all, "Don't play any weird music."

To which I promptly replied, "It's my car, and I'll play what I want, and if you don't like it, you can walk home."

Of course, she didn't want me to say that in front of her friends, so she got really snotty to cover for the fact that I had upbraided her.

Girls are weird.


My dad and I watched "National Treasure 2," which I bought from the video rental place. I also bought a pre-viewed version of "The Kingdom" (if it works, I'm not really picky about the packaging), and rented "Untraceable." I was going to watch one of the others tonight but I got too tired and decided to come upstairs instead.

I picked up my "real" pair of glasses today, and I like them. My parents both love them, and my sister just shut her mouth when I came in with them. I'll have to get some pictures up soon. It's so wonderful to not have to work my eyes as hard, and they put a special glazing on my regular glasses so I'll have better night vision for driving. (Yay!) The left lens is a lot thicker than the right... it's very funny. And the sweet receptionist at the optometrist was there when I went to pick them up, and she took my big plastic glasses from me and put them in a case and said, "We're going to put these away now, and we're not going to use them anymore." I laughed right out loud. :)

No news on the job front. I am getting desperate enough to apply for that midnight patient transport job at U of M (almost). I'll give it a few more days - well, what else can I do?

I love and miss you all.

I realize (or, at least, I think I realize) that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wish I trusted the universe more. 'Cause it's great if I lost my job for a reason, but I'm sure hoping that reason involves me getting another job.

Tonight my father said that he was really impressed the way I'm handling this whole loss-of-my-job thing. He pointed out that a year or two ago, had this same thing happened to me, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I had next-to-no coping skills, and nothing that would have enabled me to deal with something like this. Again, I'm really glad that the universe sees fit to prove to me how wonderful it is that I have great coping skills, but I'm also hoping there's some other reason. I enjoy being ungainfully unemployed, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be ungainfully employed. Or gainfully employed. Or gainfully unemployed. (Hey, if I can find someone willing to pay me for doing nothing, that would be awesome. I don't think it's possible, but I have to cover all my bases.)

And since I haven't been able to find anyone to hire me to write fanfic...

Please don't tell anyone, but I definitely just looked at a classified job posting with the title "Sales in Adult Entertainment" and thought "Hmm. Not my first option, but it'd be okay."

Tonight my mom came home from her business trip and we made dinner and then I helped my parents clean up the dishes. We were listening to Stevie Wonder's "Superstition," and my mom asked me if I could play that song on the piano. I said no but went in and taught myself some Billy Joel - they love that for some reason. And I could hear them laughing and kissing in the kitchen and I didn't even care, because I was so darn happy being in the house, making music, playing "Just the Way You Are." I was happy. It made me forget about pulling my hair out, about my horrible dreams, about not sleeping... it made me forget and things were absolutely blissful.

Do you have your own pirate character? Do you enjoy saying things like "Arrgh, matey!" and "Shiver me timbers"? Do you have a talking parrot or a peg leg? Want to make some interestingly-earned money? Then this listing, which has the title "Pirates wanted!", might be for you. No, I am not kidding. Seriously, check it out - you could make some serious booty. :)



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"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." - Mother Theresa

This made me happy, and totally made up for the fact that my sister was being a whiny mc-whinypants today.


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This morning when I rolled out of bed every single joint in my body cracked. It was loud. I nearly cried. Yesterday I mowed my grandparents' lawn (they were in Indiana, seeing my new cousin Benjamin), and because I'm not mechanically savvy (at least, I wasn't yesterday), I accidentally flooded the push-mower's engine and couldn't get it restarted. After about twenty or thirty minutes of pumping and pulling and swearing, I got it restarted. Unfortunately, the mower is so old that the throttle is jammed in neutral, so in order to keep the mower on, you have to clamp down on the starting lever. I felt fine yesterday after I was done, except for just a little ache in my hands, but I am really feeling the mow today.

I taught myself to make omelets today, without a recipe or much tutelage. My dad was off golfing and my mom's away on business this week. My sister always complains "we don't have any good food", although this is plainly not true. She refused to get up and make anything, so I mixed some eggs and cheese and made two omelets. I was quite pleased with myself.

I received one of my pairs of glasses today, my computer glasses. My father said he liked them, and my sister was basically a jerk about them. (What else is new?) I like them, but then again, I don't have to look at them. I must say that they are wonderful right now, and my eyes are not aching quite as much as usual. I'll try to get a picture up soon.

Tonight (after talking to Kate-sham for far too little time) I came in and watched Manufacturing Dissent. After seeing Michael Moore's films, this was an interesting and refreshing perspective. It reminded me that all stories have more than one side. I think Michael Moore's films have their place in American society, and even if I don't agree with everything he says/does/thinks, I can at least agree with his desire to be provocative, and his ability to charm people. Unfortunately, like any activist, he focuses solely on his side, often leaving out key information or events. And he's manipulative.

Monday night I was privileged to "ump" one of my sister's softball games. Fifteen preteen girls all running around, shouting, throwing heavy objects... it was great. I was the "field ump," which means I meandered between bases, calling "safe" and "out" as I saw. The "plate ump" was one of the players' brothers, who everyone on the team agrees is "dreamy." He might be dreamy, but he had never played baseball and he had never umped. He had no idea what was going on. He actually had a clicker to keep track of balls and strikes, but I was forced to keep track on my fingers, doing the math and calling out the numbers periodically. I had a blast. It sounds dumb, but it was actually a lot of fun. My sister's team defeated a team coached by my former biology teacher.

Anyway, I guess I should probably go to bed. I love and miss you all.

Today's interesting dialogue:
(while my dad was uploading a KT Tunstall CD to his iTunes and I was expressing my surprise at his sudden interest in KT Tunstall)
"Ken and I were talking about the gayest songs we have on our iPods." - my dad
"Yeah?" - me
"Yeah... I told him I didn't know what mine was." - Dad
"What was his?" - me
"Oh, I don't know. Some sort of... Michael Buble." - Dad
"What?! Michael Buble's not gay!" - me
"Yeah, he is." - Dad
"His last name is boob-lay! His name should probably be Michael-I-like-boob-lays!" - me
"Okay, so name some gayer songs." - Dad
"What about Alan Jackson?" - me
"Alan Jackson is NOT gay." - Dad
"Oh yeah? He sings about 'chasin' that neon rainbow'! What is that if not gay?" - me

Today I was prepared to give you a very weepy, whiny rant about how I hate "the system" and I hate the chances I won't have with Julia this summer.

Honestly, I just don't have it in me. I'm sad because her school system doesn't seem to be educating her. I'm sad that I now seem powerless to do anything about it.

But because this is not true, I am therefore not going to whine. I have accepted the fact that I lost my job at camp for a reason. I have accepted the fact that I'm going to have to struggle and work hard to find another job, and I have accepted the fact that there is no possible way I am going to love this second job as much as I thought I loved camp.

I am not giving up on Julia. I absolutely refuse. I might not have the weight of an organization for the visually impaired behind me, but I have all of me, which is ten times anything they could have given her. I stopped seeing her as an unpredictable, violent challenge and I started seeing her as a person with a whole lot of unrealized potential. And this puts me light years ahead of anything they could do there for her.

A lot of my life in the last seven or eight years has been a whole lot of people telling me what I couldn't do, and me doing exactly that. Julia's whole entire life has been like that - she is absolutely a miracle. Working with her changed my life, and I am waiting for the opportunity when I will be able to repay her for this.

It's so funny... I used to think camp was the end-all and be-all. When Jackie quit I thought she was at fault, and now I know that exactly the opposite is true. Jackie has been a true friend to me the entire time I have known her. Sure, we've had our difficulties, but what friendship hasn't endured troubles? I respect her so much for the things she did and does, and the decision she made. The organization was at fault. It was at fault when it forced her to quit, and it was at fault when it railroaded me into resigning. I don't need camp to change lives. It has nothing to do with what a certain place is, and it has a whole bunch to do with who I am.

So, world at large - help me do this. Help me find a way to give back to someone who changed my entire life. Help me find a way to give a little to someone who gave me so much. It seems impossible right now, but I know that somewhere out there is a way for me to help Julia in the future. I've gotten so used to being able to change people's lives at work, and now I'm asking you help me do it again. This whole "losing my job" thing is absolutely nothing compared to what I know I can do. Let's go.

And just in case you need to remember why I wake up in the morning: